I miss home. I miss the feeling of home.
The last time I was home, I said goodbye to an empty shell. All our things had been thrown away and I knew within the next few days, our house would be thrown away too. I cried in that empty shell of a house. All I wanted in that moment was to just reverse time, skip over the day of my house fire and be at home. It was so unfair and then the anger started to creep back in. Why did we have to lose our home?
Grief isn’t a linear process. It isn’t reserved for just people and pets you lose. You can grieve over the loss of places and things. You don’t spend a certain amount of time in one stage and move on until it’s over. Grief comes in waves. Waves of anger and depression. Feelings of despair and loss. Overwhelming emotions. There won’t be a set amount of time. Don’t let anything rush you through. You need to take all the amount of time that is right for you.
How Do You Keep Going?
One step after another is the only way to keep going. Believe me, if there was a way to fast forward through it, I’d give anything. Each day things get a little easier and one day you start to smile a little. There will be days that grief will suddenly come in that wave again. Those days will become less frequent. Then, one day, you find yourself looking back and let those fond memories come in.
Over a year and a half has gone by and I still get waves coming to me. They are more gentle than they were a year ago, but they are still there. I think they will continue until I feel truly home again. Hopefully soon.
I Miss Home
I remember the first day we walked through the door of the little orange brick ranch house. We were the first ones to walk through. The for sale sign wasn’t even in the yard yet. The door opened and when I walked in, I immediately felt at home. This was it. We found our home. I started making plans of where to place our furniture and what color the walls were to be. I looked right past the very bold paint choices and the red shag carpet in the basement. We would make it ours and we did.
We settled into our house very easily. Of course this was after I insisted on a fresh coat of paint for the living room. So many memories created in this house. We brought our youngest home from the hospital to this house. One of my favorite features in the house was the fireplace. I had so much fun decorating it.
The only thing we had left after the house fire was the lot and the foundation. We are rebuilding on the foundation, so the house is going to be the same size. It isn’t anything like what we had though. It is new and fresh and almost ready to become our new home. This experience has not been easy or very fun. My husband and I talked about building a house someday, but these set of circumstances as the means of having a new build never crossed our minds.
I will forever miss my old home. It is home to so many wonderful memories. I can’t wait to go home again and make more.
